Turkeys and Thanks

So it's Thanksgiving. And I know I have a LOT for which to be thankful. Texts and phone calls and Facebook messages have been pouring in all day to remind me of the friends and family far away who I miss desperately. This morning I started my day with the Village, as our coffee shop opened from 7-9 to accommodate us (they didn't expressly limit coffee to us, but we like to think we're the reason they opened today). Between Village Thanksgiving last weekend and coffee today, I can't help but feel especially thankful to be part of such an amazing group of friends that feel like family, particularly this time of year. I spoke to my sisters and was reminded of how wonderfully our relationship has grown this year. I am so thankful that's come along so well, and for continuing to know them better as well as my nieces and nephews. I got a text from my godson, who's all married now and headed into the Navy (I still think of him as a toddler, chasing a rabbit around the pine tree in my front yard). I heard from local friends that I adore. And I spent the meal in the community which has helped take such good care of my parents. And then I came home and hung out with the three best pets on the planet. Lucky and Maggie even snuggled up with my at nap time.

Of course I spent a good deal of quality time with my folks today. It's been a rough week for us; my dad fell, of course, and hasn't been feeling very well. Yesterday we were given the opportunity to move him to Assisted Living at the beginning of next month. It's probably greatly overdue for him, and frankly, I'm trying to get my mom in as well, because I think their quality of life would go up so dramatically. My mom especially is resistant, and I think my dad feels a little defeated. This stymies me a little. I think they're mourning the loss of their independence a bit, but I also think they have this idea that it's a nursing home, and it isn't. AL is just that - assistance. And the cold hard fact is that their limitations already exist. Not fun, no one is denying that. But frankly, if I could pay someone to cook me three meals a day and do my laundry and be on demand to meet all my needs, I might be all over that (this place has a SPA, for Pete's sake). And the particularly nice thing is that this AL is in the same building they already live, so my mom can visit all day if she wants. Plus they'll let Maggie visit. It's going to be expensive, but worth every penny, for my dad's comfort as well as my and my mother's peace of mind. Having said all that, it was a very difficult decision to make.

Today was lovely, though. I brought them coffee and breakfast, came home and put the finishing touches on a pie (I was recently reminded of how my grandmother used to make my mom a lemon meringue pie every Thanksgiving from when she was little because she didn't like pumpkin) and went back to share the meal with them. Dad was feeling pretty good today and we all managed to go down to the dining room to enjoy the festivities. It was really delightful. I stayed and visited a while after and then let them rest (and came home and took my own nap).  I'm about to head back over there to help my dad get tucked in for the night.

Post nap, I also started putting up my Christmas decorations today! My tree - which I bought last night - looks lovely. And I got all nostalgic pulling heirloom decorations out. I also found our stockings - I need to get another one for Olivia this year. And this year I have a much nicer mantle on which to hang them.

It's a nice little life I have.

Turkey

So today wasn't so bad.

I left for work at 6:15. Tried to go to Starbucks for coffee, but of course they weren't open yet. Fortunately, the Bojangles across the street was, and they had coffee. But of course I'd forgotten my wallet, and couldn't pay at the Boj with my Starbucks card. So I dug around my bag and my car, and came up with exactly the amount needed for a coffee and a blueberry biscuit. This made me happy.

I got to work, did my prep work, and hit the floor. I ended up rounding on all the eating disorder patients and most of the adolescents. My attending rolled in a little later than I did, but he also brought me donuts. I was done with my notes by 10. I spent a little while talking to John, who was also working today, and had just stepped out the door of the hospital when my pager started going off.

::sigh::

But I made it home, and then to Thanksgiving at Shady Pines. We had a very nice turkey dinner, with the works - cranberry sauce (from a can, which sort of cracked me up), dressing, ham, sweet potato casserole with the little marshmallows, that green bean casserole with crispy onions on top, etc, etc. We sat with some of my parents' new friends, and it was very nice. One of their friends is not a whole lot older than I am, and was only allowed to move in to SP because he's blind. He was also instrumental in creating the rehab organization that has the movers who've moved me the last three times I...um...moved. He and his fiancee were great to talk to. As was her cousin and the cousin's husband, who are also residents there. Their "adopted son" and his wife sat with us, too. It was a nice time. I hung out with my folks for a little while afterwards.

I stopped on the way home and checked in on Larry's cats, who are in my charge for the holiday. I've met them before, and they know I smell like a big dog. Larry maintains that they have no idea what a dog is, but I think cats know. Anywho, they've not had a problem with me before, but do seem to notice that I smell funny. The calico was all purrs and love.

(This is us, sitting in the dark because Larry doesn't appear to have any lights in the living room...)

The black cat, not so much. He kept looking at me suspiciously, like, "Who are you and what have you done with my person?". He was civil, and happily accepted the cat treat I gave him, of course. It's funny, though, because he's got the reputation of being the affectionate one.

It also reminded me, though, of the differences between cats and dogs. I tell my dog, "Hey, Maggie, come here!" and most of the time, she'll come trotting over. She listens, usually. She does a few commands. The cats? After walking around the kitchen with the calico at my heels, I finally sat down and called her over.

She sat.

And looked at me.

And cleaned her face.

Hmm....

Remembering

No fancy allegories or verbose soliloquies today, just a few scattered thoughts: Freedom comes at a very high cost. None of us are free while others are oppressed. And to those who gave everything or anything to make humanity a little more humane, I say simply this -

Thank you. 

Plus/minus

It's been a good weekend, in the balance. But there's been some darn annoying things as well.

I've been stood up no less than four times this weekend by four different friends. Two of my friends bailed, independently, for the movie last night (you know, after I'd bought the tickets, so like ten minutes prior to the start of the flick. Fortunately, the theater refunded me for the two unused tickets). Another friend was supposed to go with me to see tigers this am, another thing involving tickets, but I woke him up when I called to say I was ten minutes out, and he was...clearly not feeling so hot (ahem. I got in at 2, okay? I was moving. AND I had coffee waiting). So he bailed. I was a little annoyed when I hung up with him (not as much because of the ticket, not so much because of the last-minute-ness, but mostly because I had to drive 45 minutes out of my way to get him and didn't realize how far away CH is from Pittsboro, and I was already running a little late). I was pulling off the highway, so I gave his coffee to the guy panhandling at the exit. Who was very kind and grateful, and I think might have been a patient of mine at some point. So that made me feel better.

Today is the Chinese New Year, and it is, of course, the year of the tiger. In fact, it is also a metal year, the combination of which is associated with white tigers. And my friend happens to volunteer at the Carolina Tiger Rescue, where they just happen to have a white tiger. His name is Jellybean.

So she invited some of us to come take her tour this am and ring in the Year of the Tiger with...well...actual tigers. It was awesome. They have a bunch of different predatory cats in their sanctuary, most of whom have remarkable stories (i.e., the two that were found wandering down the street in a town in MO. Or the one chained to a lamp post. Or the one who turned up on the CTR doorstep one morning in a crate with a note, like an abandoned baby. Or the two that lived in a junkyard, and one of them is blind, which the owner didn't know. How does one miss something like? Anyhow...). Jenny's been a tour guide there for a number of years now, and the cats love her. It was a great tour; very informative, and a lot of fun. Not to mention, of course I took WAY too many pictures.

I was supposed to have lunch plans today as well, but, once again, got stood up. The friend I was supposed to have lunch with never called and didn't return my text, so, I decided to wander my way home and stopped to take some more pictures of the Haw River. Which was fortunate that I didn't just turn around and grumble my way home, because shortly after I stopped Jenny texted me and asked if I wanted to join them for lunch. Which I did, and had a wonderful time with her, her boyfriend, and a coupled set of their friends. It was also a really good time. Plus, it got me over by the Target, where I needed to go anyhow...

When I consider the things I got ditched for this weekend - the movie, the tigers, lunch - I really can only come to one conclusion, though: Wow. Four of my friends did a really good job of missing out on some seriously awesome stuff.

Holy cow, it's 2010.

So, it's a whole new year.

I had a wonderful time last night. Hung out with the old crew (it was, after all No Pants New Year, season 8), stayed up until 5am, laughed, talked, remembered why I adore these people so much.

I thought a lot yesterday about the changing year. It's sort of arbitrary, like a birthday - nothing is really different about the day to day, but in a way, that's also not true. Because for whatever reasons, we associate these things culturally with new beginnings, taking stock, and moving forward.

2009? Wasn't all bad. It wasn't generally all that good, mind you. The last few weeks in particular were amazingly stressful. But some very wonderful things happened in 2009. Life keeps going; it's blissful, horrible, awesome and terrifying all at the same time. You can resist the flow if you like, but in the end you have no real choice but to keep moving with it.

I frequently can't believe I'm a third year resident. Partly in the sense of, whoa, where the hell did the last two and a half years go? But also, you'll remember that my entire first year I couldn't convince myself that they weren't going to turn around one day and fire me. I couldn't conceive of the possibility of being promoted to second year. And yet, time goes forward. I'm still employed. I'm halfway through my tenure at Baby Blue, exactly, and somehow two and a half years seems both like a heartbeat and an eternity. I love my job. I know psychiatry. I know what psychiatrists *do*. Three years ago, I couldn't have said any of these things.

And I'm continually amazed at the caliber of the people around me. I'm perpetually marveling at all the good people in my life, frankly, local or otherwise. I have wonderful people close to me - the family I've created in my life and the family created for me. I have amazing friends, colleagues, and people that touch my life everyday. I also have somehow acquired better skills for dealing with the toxic people or interactions that sometimes lurk in my life like depth charges (although, let's be honest, I still have a good deal of skill to obtain in that arena).

We were waxing nostalgic last night on how it's been a decade since the Y2K scare. None of us could believe it'd been 10 years. I was thinking, later, as I lay on my friends' couch in the dark, about what a decade it's been. Thinking about where we all were ten years ago, how much has changed in these years that have just flown the hell by...it makes me think I can't even imagine what we'll be talking about on the eve of 2020.

I've been thinking this week how my life at times feels almost unrecognizable from what it was 10, 15 years ago. One of my relatives posted an old picture of me on Facebook a while back; one of my friends came into my office the next day and was like, wow, I almost didn't recognize you. And I said, yeah, well, those were different times. He asked if I had the same personality then that I have now, and I honestly wasn't sure of the answer. Similarly, I had coffee this week with a very dear friend whom I haven't seen since we graduated from medical school, and she commented that I seemed very different from then. I asked her to elaborate, and she said she noticed how "anxious and tired" I seemed.

I can't argue with that.

She reminded me that the girl she knew in medical school was confident, put together, always on top of things. What she didn't know about that was two things: A, it was a ruse. I'm still the woman who keeps her shit together in a crisis, still the one who puts out fires, still the girl who gets it done. Those things are true about me, and they're part of who I am. But I've been able to get much more in touch, for better or worse, with the side of me that is, frankly, a mess. Who isn't so good at being a grown-up some days. Who drops the ball occasionally, can't find the floor of her closet, and has learned how to live with (shudder) a low census of roaches in her apartment. Who sometimes is too passive, who often gets her feelings hurt, who internalizes everything that goes on around her. Who's funny and neurotic and is sometimes a spaz. Who is uncoordinated and imperfect. Who tries not to throw stones in her glass houses and who sometimes finds the storms of her own emotions to be completely overwhelming. Who attaches fiercely and faithfully to people, even though she thinks she rarely lets them see that. Who finally believes that happiness is an attainable reality.

The other thing my friend doesn't know about this, this has been a very significant source of angst for the past year or so, feeling like I don't maintain that facade of Ms. "Everything's under control, here." I feel like it makes me seem weak. In truth, I feel like it makes me weak. But the reality of it is, it's only because I've started allowing that shell to weaken that I've started to understand the many layers of who I am. And, that those components of myself are from where I draw my strength.

And so, we move on into 2010. A new year, a new chapter, and (arguably) a new decade. I have great things in mind for it.

The morning after

First of all, watch this (for some reason, I can't seem to embed it, so you'll have to settle for a link).

It's a parody. We sang that one year (in four-part harmony, of course) in Madrigals. It still cracks me up.

Today was a very delightful day of doing pretty much nothing. My mom made bread, I ate some of it. We had a crackling, lovely fire. I read some Hawaiian ghost stories in a book I bought while we were there in October, that I finally cracked at the airport. All three of us did some napping. I did leave the house, once, when my mom and I went to Starbucks for breakfast.

Yesterday was....I dunno. Not what I remember holidays being when I was a kid. Which isn't new, really. Things haven't really been "right," I guess, since my yiayia (grandmother) died, but that was almost 20 years ago, now. There was a lot of contention in the family after that, for a while. Then my grandfather died, then my aunt's mom, then her dad. Now it's just us, my aunt and uncle, my cousins, and my aunt's sister, sitting around a table, making too much food for eight people and sniping at each other. It's a far cry from the jubilant, boisterous holidays of my kidhood, when D an I used to complain about sitting at the kiddie table, my grandmother made too much food for the 12 of us and whatever distantly-related (or not) koumbari happened to be joining us for the holiday, and we all clustered around the tables and argued loudly. Now it's like we're white people or something. But with more food.

My cousin brought his girlfriend to Thanksgiving. That was sort of monumental - none of the three of us cousins has ever brought anyone to a holiday dinner. Apparently she was lovely (I say "apparently" only because I was in NC). I was hoping she'd come for Christmas...I've suspected for a long while that they were involved but have never met her in person. Alas, though, she was off visiting her own family in a whole other state.

Lucky her.

I can't figure out why I'm so irked after this particular Christmas dinner. It's not like anything has really changed with our little family. My aunt makes me feel inadequate and worthless. My uncle doesn't say much. My one cousin is sullen, the other is beige and answers any direct questions in monosyllable responses. My aunt-in-law (my aunt's sister) is kind of funny but spends a lot of the time sniping with her sister. My mom gets anxious about the food. My dad tells stories. I? Wish I drank more.

So I don't know why it was so painful this time. Maybe I'm paying more attention to what I want it to be. Maybe I'm more sensitive to my own internal responses (damn my shrink and my progress in therapy)(no, not really). Maybe NC is really starting to feel more like home than home. Maybe I'm different with them than I am with other people.

I just wish I felt like my family liked me more (and by "family," here, I'm referring to my extended genetic family. My parents, and my non-genetic relations, seem to like me just fine. Weirdly). It's amazing to me how no matter how old I get, no matter what I manage to accomplish or that at which I manage to fail (because sometimes it seems like the accomplishments are more problematic), I never feel like I'm even close to good enough. And I can't ever seem to figure out what it is that would make me so.

I could keep whining, but I'm not sure it's useful to anyone outside my head.

It also finally caught up with me that I don't think I really have a whole lot planned for the week, unlike my typical whirlwind home visits. I think a lot of my non-core friends are out of town. So maybe I'll get to spend some actual quality time with some of the core group this time? That'd be cool.

Merry Merry

Merry Christmas from Chicago, y'all.

(No, I stole this picture.)

Ho ho ho

I'm in Chicago!!

Left my house at 4-freakin-am, with the anticipation that I'd have to sit in the terminal and wait a bunch of hours, but as it turns out my 6am flight left right on time. And despite losing my favorite necklace somewhere in the transition (I'm crushed. Seriously. I was wearing it precisely so I *wouldn't* lose it), the trip was largely uneventful.

Except....well, for this:

I was sitting behind them on the plane, too. They were very nice people, as one might imagine. And they pleasantly tolerated all the comments about, "Hey, is the sleigh in the shop?" I asked if there was an outbreak of Reindeer Flu.

But the best response to this, by far, was this, which my friend penned on my FB page:

Twas the night before Christmas and in RDU,
St. Nick waited patiently to check luggage through.
The desk agent saw him and shouted with glee
"I trust that you're Santa but I still need ID"
"And just in case the sign wasn't clear,
Your pets must be crated unless they're service reindeer"
The TSA agent took one look at his sack,
And said "sorry you'll have to leave some stuff back"
"The cookies are fine, but the milk's got to go,
You have way more than three ounces you know"
"We will happily let through Dasher and Dancer,
But this one's red nose has set off our sensors!"
Santa said "Rudolph's fine, see he's on my nice list!
I always background check for terrorists!"
So with out any milk and a reindeer detained,
Santa begrudgingly boarded the plane.
And he exclaimed as the Boeing took off and was gone,
"Next year I'm staying home and using Amazon!"

Merry Christmas, y'all. May it be a blessed and magical one.

...nope, not lost on me.

So I sat down to write tonight's episode of This Boring Blog and discovered that yesterday's post....wasn't there.

Um.

Where is it?

Beats the heck out of me. It says it's published. But somehow, most of it is missing, and what isn't missing is certainly not posted. So...?

Meh. It's already 10pm here. I guess you'll have to endure the agony of wondering what was included in my diatribe about nothing ever changing if you don't make any noise about it.

(PS, did everyone figure out how to read Friday's post? Highlight the text. It's not that exciting, though. I had really wanted to write Saturday's diatribe in Friday night's post - in just that format - but I was too tired...opportunity lost, I suppose.)

(And as an interesting piece of trivia, I learned that little bloggy trick from like one of the three episodes of CSI: Miami I've seen in my whole life. Good times.)

The weekend, on the whole, has been really productive. I got some knitting done. I got some cleaning done. I got some errands done. I taught myself Tunisian Crochet.

I went to the recruitment dinner tonight, which was....fine. One candidate that kind of annoyed me, one that was sort of eh, one that I really disliked, and then this guy from my med school. Him? I loved. Partly because he brought his wife along, and her I totally adored. Plus, it was nice to talk about the old place. Which...apparently...has changed quite a bit. Several of my best mentors are gone. The surgery program is descending into chaos (and it was pretty awful when I was there). They continue to have one of the weakest psych programs in the country (that's not new. I applied out of courtesy when I was on the trial; I then declined the interview). Gyn seems to have gotten a lot better (which makes me kind of sad that I didn't stay there five years ago. Although, I cannot complain about where this path has led me). We had a nice chat. Made me a little homesick.

I also put my Christmas tree up today for the first time in probably six years (and had to buy new lights, because, surprisingly enough, all of those were dead). It looks sort of pathetic (it's seen better days, and I don't have a whole lot of ornaments on it, etc), but it's mine. And my holiday spirit is definitely picking up. After a trip to Michael's this morning, I made a wreath for the front door, too. And I had a ton of stuff to take to work, so I stopped by on my way to the dinner (Wayne was very confused when he came out of his office and I was standing in mine). And while I was there, I put the office decorations up (heads up, Peng). The three stockings from last year are now on the wall, the tree is up (I bought a tiny fake tree this year, instead of a tiny real tree like I got last year which turned out to be dead and they're probably still finding nettles in our old office). And I made a wreath for the Pink Office, too. Which...I initially had decided it was too tacky even for us. I toned it down a little, and now I think it's just tacky enough.

I'm back on consults this week. Ruthie's back from vacation. My clinic schedule is full-to-bursting, but at least there are five of us on Consults, plus two rockstar med students. We'll see how it goes (but, I could still use just a little more weekend....).

Gratitude

It's Thanksgiving.

AND it's Thursday. (I know, I know, Thanksgiving always is.)

So in the spirit of both, here are ten things I'm very grateful for.

1. The amazing and awesome people in my life. Some are near, some are close only in spirit but I really do count a lot of very, very wonderful people among my friends and family.

2. Although I've spent holidays with Maggie before and find that to be generally fine, I'm incredibly grateful for the good company I had tonight. Eva and her family welcomed me into their home today, along with Sparrow, Bernie, and Liam (who were also orphans today). We had a wonderful time. And look, there were favors:

Cute, huh?

3. As annoying as working the holiday weekend may be, I'm glad I got this one, because I'm going to be able to go home for both Christmas and New Year's, I think.

4. White chocolate peppermint mochas, and the best friend who introduced me to them.

5. The amazingness and wonder of children. I'm really looking forward to seeing my assorted nieces and nephews in a month.

6. Being a third year resident. Because you know I never thought I'd make it to second year.

7. Warm sun. Brisk fall days and rustling leaves. Softly falling snow. The smell of spring.

8. That there are things in the south that bloom this time of year. It's very cool.

9. The world's most adorable, most wonderful, smartest, cutest dog.

10. This crazy, messed-up, hilarious, dysfunctional, totally amazing life that I lead.