Thursday, February 02, 2012

GroundHOG day

Okay, I'm going to get better about blogging. Really I am. Because one of the main purposes it serves for me is chronicling my life, and that comes in really handy when I'm like, wait, when did that happen?

So it's Groundhog Day. Most people are thinking about the weather. I? Make Groundhog Day resolutions. Because it makes just as much sense as making them on New Year's, but you have another month to think about them. So here goes.

1. Blog more. As in, preserve more, speak more, and don't hide from the world when things get anxious or difficult.

2. Think harder and longer about what it is that *I* really want, instead of what's easiest, feeds my masochism best, or works out best for everyone but me. Which leads to,

3. Get a better sense of what it is I want.

4. Weigh less. Metaphorically and literally. Let go of past events and affects that keep me down. And, I'm on Weight Watchers. We'll see about that. I know I'm supposed to have more specific goals, like, "Lose 30 pounds by Tuesday," but, frankly, I don't yet know what my body is willing to let go of and the time frame of when it is willing to do that. I'll encourage, but I'll be less anxious about it.

5. This year should be all about flow and balance, priority and restoration.

6. Bike. More. Like, at least once a week. The Harley and I are both sad that I haven't been out more since I got her. She's very pretty in the driveway, but...

 I'm sure there's more. I don't know that I really thought that hard or consciously over the past month about what I was going to resolve, but, apparently, that's what I'm thinking about. And I've made some progress on each of these this month.

 1? Well, this is a blog post, isn't it?

 2. Last week I worked myself into a frenzy over this idea of creating a new fellowship at Big Blue. Someone else suggested it, and I ran with it. Not my idea, but it seemed like a good one. Plus, it would let me do this! And this! And THIS! Except, no one was really willing to pay for it. No one was really going to lend much support to it. It was upstream all the damn way. And, if it was something I truly believed in, felt like THIS was my calling, thought that it would fill a devastating need, it could totally have been worth the work.

But I? Am tired.

I graduated medical school eight years ago. I've worked really hard. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of trying to stay under the radar. I'm tired of the Big House bureaucracy. I'm tired of working ridiculous hours and still worrying that my rent check will bounce. I'm in 25th grade this year. I need a break.

And that break presented itself to me. I went to my second interview (a site visit, really) on Tuesday for this ACT team (the free-range crazies, like I did second year) that works a rural-ish community about an hour from here, with two days a month of child clinic for kids who already have services and just need meds. It's a reasonable commute. They're cohesive and functional and well-established. They seem to like each other and it felt like a good fit. I'd have support and not have to do all the medicine plus the social work (which I'm so not trained for) plus all the administrative work (which, frankly, I'm not trained for, either). It's good money and nice benefits. It qualifies for some loan repayment. I love ACTT and still get to see kids. Plus, it's 4 ten hour days a week, which admittedly cuts into my coffee time and makes for very long days, but also gives me a fifth day to do a private therapy practice, teach, mentor, or, you know, nap. I was driving home and found myself thinking, why in the world would I want to place myself in the position of being the outlier - again - who constantly has to prove herself and her worth when I could take this really good opportunity and have a great job, be able to pay my bills, and chill the fuck out for a little while? Earth to Kate!! So, by the time I got home I emailed them accepting the job. I'll probably start in August, which gives me a minute to catch my breath between fellowship and the Real World.

Plus, I'm moving in three weeks. To a house I really adore, where we're going to have room to breathe and run and live.

3. I'm working on it. Ref: 2

4. I joined Weight Watchers. I'm following the program. It doesn't suck as much as I was expecting, although it does allow me to continue to make questionable choices (seriously. I ate gummy bears for dinner). I did have a moment of complete and utter neurotic ridiculousness that involved four-variable matrix math to try and figure out the POINTS system. But, well, no one's ever accused me of being sane.

5. Balance. Flow. Priority. Restoration. It's looking good.

6. Jen and I tried to jump the Harley this afternoon (today was SUCH beautiful riding weather!! sniff...), and we got nothin'. Granted, we managed not to make the battery explode, which is good, but I mean nothing. Not even a click. So we rigged up the tender on an extension cord out the window (since I don't actually have outdoor outlets here) and she's all plugged it. I might even ride to work tomorrow. Unless she won't start, I oversleep, or I chicken out. But this weekend for sure.

We're getting somewhere. One day, one step, one breath at a time...

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