My Annual Blog Post

No, hopefully not. I didn't actually realize it'd already been so long. Where the hell did 2014 go?

Well, it's a new year (happy 2015!!). I decided today would be a day to clean the heck out of my house, finally. It's so gross - I spent September and October cramming for the Integrative Medicine boards, and when I got back in November I promptly came down with mono, and then because both my functional T cells were busy I then got the flu as well right before Thanksgiving. I am actually still trying to drag myself up from all that, and was already being treated for adrenal fatigue before that happened, and blah blah blah. Maybe I shouldn't have fired my housekeepers...

However, I had possibly the worst night's sleep I had in a while last night, and so I went to the coffee shop this morning, where I had a very very wonderful surprise meeting with my Gay Boyfriend. He lives out of town and so when he pops up for these unannounced whirlwind stints, it is always a lovely, lovely discovery. We were chatting this morning about recent events, and he looked at me very pointedly (we're cut of the same sensitive cloth), and said, "I don't like your energy in this new year."

He's not wrong.

So it seemed like the thing to do, frankly, before the very literal act of cleaning the house, was to examine the metaphoric place I'm in about cleaning out my life. I've been working very, very hard this year at further examining my inner world. I have a fair amount of external stability (relatively speaking, of course; there's still plenty of external chaos. This is still my life we're talking about), so the journey has become much more inward. And it strikes me today that now is the time I'm starting to transition from examination to action. So I thought I'd spend a few minutes writing about what that means. I guess we'll see what comes out.

I have too much stuff. That's the first thing that strikes me. This is true both in the metaphoric and literal sense. I have way too much crap in my house that needs to move to a new home, and I have far too much of other people's emotional and energetic stuff I'm carrying that also needs to go. Releasing that is probably harder than letting go of any of the physical clutter, and it needs to be done.

I have so much difficulty prioritizing myself. Both what I want and what I need. In truth, I have a very hard time knowing what either of those things are. GB and I were also talking this morning about my difficulties with not taking on other people's issues when I know that I can help but it isn't the right thing for me. He made some very sage statements about the time we invest, and how we need to move towards things that will bring a better return instead of being black holes of our time and energy. The things that complicate this for me are (at least) two-fold. One, because of the path of my journey so far, I am very very adept at taking whatever is offered and making the best of it, instead of figuring out what it is that I want or need and moving towards it. The other, of course, is that I need to feel like I'm worthy of saying "Yeah, I would get more benefit from something different than what is offered, and that's okay." Of holding out for something else - something better, at least in terms of fit - instead of taking what crumbs are offered because I feel like nothing else will likely ever come along. The truth of the matter is, though, I most certainly am worthy of what suits me, and beyond that, I deserve it. It's just true, no matter what the mean girl in my head says.

I also have a serious passion for experiencing the new and unknown. That's been on the back burner a lot in the past few years. And it doesn't have to be big, "let's travel the globe!" adventures (although how cool would that be?!). It can be small, fiscally responsible ones. My cousin has made a resolution that, instead of starting a new diet this year, she is going to start working through all the recipes she's been hoarding and has never made. I like this idea, and I am going to resolve to try 52 recipes I've never made before. I am also going to try to get out with my camera more. And while I'm saying "no" more to people who are testing my boundaries in unhealthy ways, saying "yes" more often to new experiences. Not that that's scary or anything (useful! Healthy! And also, scary).

The other thing I really want to do this year is work hard at reconnecting my soul and my body. I'm still unsure of the particulars of that, but I suspect it will include a lot of self-compassion, mindfulness, still quiet listening, moving, stretching (again, literal and figurative), and being. Full-throttle living doesn't need to be reckless, it just needs to be open.

Well, that seems like a pretty good start. Now to work on that "less examination, more implementation" thing. Perhaps I'll start with the laundry...