Continuing the profane streak of the past few days...

(....and then we're back to our baseline level of profanity, I promise...)

This is my sentiment for the day:

No, no, I don't have cancer (that I'm aware of). And I did not make this hat. But I'm rather thinking of making one for someone who does, except I really can't decide if she'd actually wear it...

Monday mirth

So Lila walks into my office today (first time I've seen her in like, two months!! They've been keeping her hidden out at the community clinic. Bastards). And we start talking about...well, important things and unimportant things, cerebral stuff and general trash...because, frankly, that's what goes on in my world. And she shows me these two videos. Which I think are hih-freakin'-LARIOUS. But, do contain some minor strong language. So, make sure you know who's listening if you've got your speakers up.

First, this one, which is a little commentary on the (very disappointing, I think) Snuggie. And gives it a more accurate name:


And, secondly, I think I just had a status update the other day about this....

Sex on CNN

So, I'm trolling for something interesting to post tonight (with my exhausted mush-for-brains dribbling out my ear), and two linked articles on CNN.com caught my eye.

Let me preface this by saying, I debated for several minutes whether or not it was appropriate to post this. Because, you know, "old" people read my blog. And then I came to the conclusion that, look, if it's safe for work, it's safe for people over the age of 60.

Isn't it funny how we spend so much time as parents (or parental-y figures) trying to protect our kids from smut, and then eventually, as kids we spend so much time trying - in a very similar fashion, honestly - to protect our parents from smut.

I'm also reminded of this story from when I was home in July. Really, people. I was 30 years old. And, um, I can spell.

Anyhow. So the article that originally caught my eye was this one. Which did so because, back during my year working in yarn sales and sex therapy, the existence of the G-spot was a HUGELY contested issue in the Sex Clinic. Like, I'm not sure I can think of an issue we collectively argued about more. I'm in the "of course it exists" camp, my supervisor was in the "of course it doesn't exist" camp. I think this study CNN references is poorly constructed and the results are useless. But it continues to amaze me that we as clinicians and as women argue so hotly the very existence of this. Like unicorns. Or Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Sheesh.

But then, that article was linked to this one. Which just upset me. Because I'm perpetually amazed at how often my adolescent patients, or their friends, or whomever, have "pregnancy scares" these days. Or get knocked up. I brought this up to one of my patients one day, after reading that they were teaching abstinence-only sex ed in our public schools, and she was like, "No, not really. Mostly what we talk about in Health class is what to do with your baby while you're in school." Which kind of made me want to bang my head on my desk for a while.

Not to mention, uh, pregnancy cures itself. AIDS is forever.

It's just sex, people. Humankind will not shatter if we discuss anatomy and sexual health. Your children will not burst into flames if you teach them how to use a condom.

(But I was brought by a stork. And I refuse to believe otherwise, so don't even argue.)

What the bloody fuck, people?

(*This post contains strong language and may not be suitable for all viewers. As if you couldn't tell that from the title.*)


Okay, so, I was having a pretty good day, and I get home, and I have a comment on a post from March 3rd in my inbox. Which was, what, five months ago? And I thought, huh, that's weird. Because I remember someone making a stupid anonymous comment on that post around the time I posted it. It was a post about how I'd been having a particularly bad day, and among the things that had happened, Maggie had taken off running that day (Maggie, who thinks it's a game when I chase her, and who thinks it's fun, and who comes home the moment she thinks I'm going to just let her run). So I open it up, and this is what some, again, "anonymous" cowardly pig-fucker had to say:

"It is bad news. It's bad news that your dog came back. And now has to suffer living with miserable old you."

I....I didn't know what to think about that.

It occurred to me that it could've been a particular friend of mine who'd just been reading back that far (you know who you are, and if it is, email me and identify yourself RIGHTNOW so I can stop being all pissed off). Because it's kind of congruent with his very sarcastic sense of humor, in which case, knowing the source, it would actually be quite funny. But then I thought, why the anonymity?

And that's when I got mad.

First of all, why a five month old post? I've said many inflammatory things and made several dumbass remarks since then. Second, put your name on it. I don't care who you are, but saying something like that anonymously just makes you a punk-ass, chicken shit little bitch.

Third of all, if you don't like my blog? Go somewhere else. And while you're at it? Fuck off.

But most importantly, and so listen up, do not fuck with my dog.

That dog would take a bullet for me. And honestly? I'd take one for her. We may not have the "perfect" life, but it's a damn good one for us. She was in bad shape when she came to live with me. And now she's a happy, healthy, pretty darn well-adjusted pooch. I love that dog more than anything.

Get bit, you dumbass motherfucker.

And, by the way? Here's what Maggie thinks of you: