A Darned Good Question

So, in the Comments on the last post, Suburban Correspondent posed a terribly good question:

Is my current career path healing, or just punishing?

Believe me, it's a question I've asked myself many, many times before heading down this road, and on a nearly daily basis since. And the answer is absolutely the former. But only because I make it so, and that takes a lot of work, and I get that.

This is a complicated issue, on a couple of levels. One, there's a good lot of psychiatrists who pick this field more or less for the free therapy. They come in with all manner of insidious, unresolved issues, looking to fix themselves on a usually less-than-conscious level, and what ends up happening is that they leave a lot of poor decisions and bad patient care in their wake. They give the rest of us a black eye, because if you lack the insight to know what's pushing your own buttons, you probably aren't going to be insightful about anyone else's issues.

But then there's another group of us, the wounded warriors (and no, it's not an either/or thing. Some people just like psychiatry, so they pick it for their job). We tend to work in fields like trauma or addiction or eating disorders, because to really be good at those types of issues, you have to have a certain level of inside knowledge. Why? Because...nobody "normal" gets it. Because it's like being in Holland (Chernobyl). And unless you've actually been there, all the guidebooks in the world can't tell you what it's like. And, because all of these issues are defined by isolation and secrecy...well...when you think you're alone, the best person to tell you that you aren't, is someone who really means it.

The thing about it is, I can do good work here. I'm good at what I do, I have a good instinct about people's psyches, and I possess a valuable perspective. Plus, there aren't many people who want to do what I want to do in the first place. And look at the statistics, folks: one in three women and one in twelve men worldwide will be sexually abused or assaulted in their lifetime - in the US, the official statistics (I suspect they may actually be worse) are one in six women and one in 33 men. That averages to one assault every two and a half minutes in our country alone. The typical pedophile has 150 victims; that number drops to a mere 72 if he's caught and charged. If you've never been a victim, think of your two (or three, as the case may be) closest female friends. Think of your daughters, sisters, grandmothers. And begin to understand the scope of the problem. Nothing fractures your psyche like being sexually violated, especially at a young age.

For comparison, one in nine American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Be diagnosed with, not die from. And you can't swing a pink cat without knocking over a dozen products to raise money or awareness. Which is not to say it isn't a worthy cause. But where's my 5K? Who can even tell me the correct ribbon color or awareness month? (Teal, and April, in case you were wondering.)

And as for what it activates, well, the thing about trauma is that avoiding it doesn't make it go away. I live with the repercussions and little earthquakes every day. That's nothing new, and it hasn't been fixed by my neuroses and unhealthy coping mechanisms that will undoubtedly be another post for another day, silence, trying to avoid the triggers, or, say, going into a field where I can completely avoid treating men (that wasn't my only motivation for going into gyne, honest). The way to fix it, is to get up in its face and deal with it, to push those buttons until the response is manageable. It sucks to get through it, but it's got to happen. The only way out, is through.

So yeah, going into psychiatry has actually been - and I expect it will continue to be - quite healing. As has finally finding a really good psychotherapist. Which, I hope to someday perpetuate. See, it's all cyclical.

So I leave you with three things before we go back to our regularly scheduled rants and anecdotes and yarn-related commentary. 1, for anyone who is, knows, or loves a survivor of rape or incest, RAINN is a tremendous resource. No matter what your stage of recovery, The Courage to Heal and The Survivor's Guide to Sex (this is the best book out there, as far as I'm concerned) are amazingly useful, and for those of you who are partners in the process, I highly recommend both of those books as well as Allies in Healing.

2. I submit to you a verse from Dar William's fantastic therapy theme song, which I think really does justice to the process:

I say, well, I'm lucky, 'cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall, and what I knew of the free world was
That I could see their fireworks, and I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I'd only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down, and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And they're calling out just like me
The stories that nobody hears
I collect these sounds in my ears


And, 3, finally, a gratuitous cute picture of my dog. Because we've had enough heavy seriousness.