Suckage

My cousin died last night.

It wasn't totally unexpected. She lost a hard-fought battle with ovarian cancer. But she just went into hospice Friday. We weren't expecting it to happen quite this fast (although, my family does this. My grandfather did the same thing. Had dialysis one day, decided the next to stop dialysis and enter hospice, died the next night).

This. Sucks.

She was only 56. She has two kids, 20 and 24.

And here's the other thing. She and my mom - my mom, who also has cancer. Don't think that's escaped me - haven't spoken in years. It's a long and complicated story, as these things always are. She wasn't perfect, but, who of us is? They both played a part in the estrangement, obviously. But, now, there's no fixing it. There's no changing things. There's no closure.

It just sucks. The whole thing is awful, and unfortunate. It just serves as a reminder that one can never take things for granted. That this life is ephemeral, and we can all be snatched away at any moment.

And it hit home really hard that my mom has late stage cancer. I can't handle thinking about that for too long right now.

Honestly, I'm having a really hard time with a lot of this. I've been scattered and irritable all day. I spent some time with my folks, and actually got a few things from my every day life taken care of. I've talked electronically to a bunch of family members. I stressed out over weird things and laughed at things that weren't especially funny.

I also snarked pretty hard at a friend of mine, which ended in one of us picking a fight with the other (although I'm not entirely sure who started it). He had enough sense to press pause on the argument, came back at me several hours later and was like, what can I do? I told him I was displacing, apologized.

I hate it when people get to see the crazy. I try so hard to keep it under wraps.