Sunday, July 25, 2010

Suckage

My cousin died last night.

It wasn't totally unexpected. She lost a hard-fought battle with ovarian cancer. But she just went into hospice Friday. We weren't expecting it to happen quite this fast (although, my family does this. My grandfather did the same thing. Had dialysis one day, decided the next to stop dialysis and enter hospice, died the next night).

This. Sucks.

She was only 56. She has two kids, 20 and 24.

And here's the other thing. She and my mom - my mom, who also has cancer. Don't think that's escaped me - haven't spoken in years. It's a long and complicated story, as these things always are. She wasn't perfect, but, who of us is? They both played a part in the estrangement, obviously. But, now, there's no fixing it. There's no changing things. There's no closure.

It just sucks. The whole thing is awful, and unfortunate. It just serves as a reminder that one can never take things for granted. That this life is ephemeral, and we can all be snatched away at any moment.

And it hit home really hard that my mom has late stage cancer. I can't handle thinking about that for too long right now.

Honestly, I'm having a really hard time with a lot of this. I've been scattered and irritable all day. I spent some time with my folks, and actually got a few things from my every day life taken care of. I've talked electronically to a bunch of family members. I stressed out over weird things and laughed at things that weren't especially funny.

I also snarked pretty hard at a friend of mine, which ended in one of us picking a fight with the other (although I'm not entirely sure who started it). He had enough sense to press pause on the argument, came back at me several hours later and was like, what can I do? I told him I was displacing, apologized.

I hate it when people get to see the crazy. I try so hard to keep it under wraps.

4 comments:

Danielle said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Working among shrinks must be a positive, though, in that things like that can happen and you can go back later and say things like, "I'm displacing".

penguinshrink said...

We're your friends because we love you, crazy and all.

Anonymous said...

Families: Life ends and someplace one begins. I have read about the little people as in little nieces.

I don;t think of it as "suckage"---more 'life"---for me it just sounds better.

Trivia: I have a brother-in-law who became ANGRY at his mother and us-----( he got remains of money and we got Mom who did not like us all that much--but we were stable--and the idea was 6 mos with them and 6 with us.)

ANGER: he stopped talking to her and us about a year( after her husband and his father died ) and eventually she died.
He has to live with it---not us---never ever talked to her again. This was in 1986 and she died in 1996.

Everyone has 'life'--good and bad and for you too---sorry about your cousin---and glad you and your friend have --'displaced"----

Take care and treasure ALL you have.
Sorry Carol

Valerie said...

I am very sorry for your loss. I know that you will come through this too with your usual style and grace.