Today was a very long day, starting with co-leading a med student small group about substance abuse, which was a good time, but necessitated me missing rounds. The workday was chaotic; I then went to the Bucks and read for a while before class. Tonight was my first Mindfulness and Psychoanalysis class.
The class? Is and will be awesome.
And includes a 15 minute mindfulness practice at each class.
That? Tonight? For me? SUCKED.
It somehow ended up feeling really unsafe, and turned in to one long pre-verbal flashback that extended through most of my drive home.
This was certainly not unrelated to part of today's chaos having to do with difficult discussions with patients with bad abuse histories. It also has to do, I think, with all of the hard work I've been doing in therapy over the last couple of years, and all of that somatic memory is more accessible now more than it probably ever has been in my entire adult life.
Which, frankly, sucks. In case I didn't mention the suckage.
But, it does tell me, this meditation thing is something I need to do more of.
Which will, undoubtedly, suck.