Funky

I? Am in a funk.

Not sure why. Maybe it's the rainy greyness and the increasing obviousness that Fall done fell in NC. Maybe it's the general stress and annoyance that starts to hit all of us at work about this time of year (I find it gets worse until about February or March, then starts to pick up. Perfect overlap with recruiting season...). Maybe it's the amount of work I haven't managed to do.

Today started out with good intentions. Yesterday was good. I had four therapy cases (I should top off in a couple of weeks at six on Fridays, when my CBT patient returns and after my DBT case starts next week. I also have a Tuesday morning therapy patient and one more who's gone off to Texas. I'm holding his spot, but I don't think he'll be coming back to therapy. I'm hoping, though, that I can leave his slot open until my college student is fixed - I think she's going to be brief - and then maybe finagle in a spot on Wednesdays and take in someone who will go to twice-weekly. Then I'll be at my quota for therapy patients. Actually, I'll be well over it - I'm supposed to have four hours a week of Adult, one of CBT, and one of DBT. I also have two adolescents at an hour a piece. They're optional as far as the requirements are concerned). My two kids went especially well...my one who was spiraling down seems to have reached a reasonable plateau, and the other one is just doing great work. I really like my kids. I went up to the unit yesterday and met my new DBT patient (although I'm still not totally sure what my role is in the whole DBT thing). And we had a really great consult/liaison conference, about ethical issues in sterilizing those deemed mentally incompetent, which is near and dear to my ex-OB/GYN heart.

We went out last night for Cleo's birthday (which is actually Monday). It was funny, how her work friends and non work friends all segregated out, but, we had a good time down at our end of the table. Ruthie and Peng and I carpooled. Ruthie drove. Peng and I feared for our lives. It was amusing.

Today...I got up, I went to Borders...I went with the intention of using this coupon I have, and getting two specific books. I found neither book and left the coupon in the car. But I still got some great finds, including a book on doing two socks at once with magic loop, what seems to be a useful DBT manual, and Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's new book, Free Range Knitter. I'd planned to go from there to Starbucks and work for about three or four hours, but I was feeling sort of grungy and like I needed a shower, so I came home. And showered. And then...was just sort of overtaken by inertia. I watched House and South Park and whatever else had started building up on the DVR this week, although I still haven't seen any of this week's episodes (except South Park), because I kept doing the, well, I'll just snuggle up here in my blankets for another twenty minutes, and then I'll pause this, and go do some reading...

It's not that I didn't try to overcome the inertia. I tried to convince Sparrow and Little Maxine to go to Starbucks with me and Mags, but Sparrow's fresh off night float and all sleepy. I tried to corral a group to go get Greek food tonight, but Ruthie's cranky, Mike was watching football, Matt had other plans, Tyler got sucked into something else, Peng went shopping for purple things...you get the idea. And then I got into this little thing with Faye, because she and some of the other gals had made plans tonight, and by the time she called I was cranky and a little dejected and didn't want to go. But I caved, because I was feeling all guilty, and knew I'd have a good time in spite of myself...and she just called and was like, oh, you know, our plans tonight actually sort of fell apart...which, well, I wish I could say I was upset about. I like that crew, and would've had fun, but damned if I don't want to just crawl back onto the couch and watch this week's SVU.

Meanwhile, have I mentioned that my house still looks like I just moved in? Or that I have like thirty million pages to read for Tuesday? Or that I still haven't figured out what to do about at least six different decisions I have to make?

Speaking of which... We got a little bonus at work. It's meager, less than half of what they got last year, but, it's money. Most of it is going towards the never-ending avalanche of bills, but I kind of want to take part of it and join the gym. They have a stellar deal for residents, I don't have workout space at the new apartment, I kind of would like to have access to classes and weight machines and a pool again, etc. But I think the only time I could make a feasible commitment to going would be at 5am. Which is okay - I did that for a time in medical school, and I think I can convince Ruthie to start going at the same time (although currently she says she'll go but she won't talk to me at the gym...something about not being social and trying to do actual work there...I tried to point out that this was the very point of having a gym buddy, but, well, we're still working on it). I'd have to be better about my sleep hygiene, but, I can suck it up and do that. Not sure I can feel good about forking over gym money when I couldn't afford to pay my shrink if she weren't giving me a reduced rate for a few months, but, the gym will cost less than two sessions of therapy at the real price. And it's an investment in my health, yada, yada. My doc will be happy. Plus, the membership deal comes with two sessions with one of their trainers, which, between them and my friend the Rehab doc, I could probably figure out the right things to do in terms of all the issues I've had recently with my back and ankles and whatnot (apparently I have very tight heel cords and possibly shin splints. Or so I'm told).

Okay. The other thing I think I'm going to do is start paying for parking. I don't want to, and I can't get into the deck until something opens up, which means I'll have to park in the lot that's almost as far away as my house, except it has a shuttle bus that runs from 5 am to 11:45 pm. Plus, part of my plan for moving here was that it would save me the expense of gas and parking and whatnot. Which, okay, the gas really won't be noticeable. And the parking is pre-tax income, which is sort of helpful. But the thing about it is, these days, especially with Daylight Savings Time ending, I never get out of work until it's well past dark out. And I have to walk home through some very poorly lit and wooded areas. And a couple of weeks ago, some woman got run over by a bus and died at the big intersection I have to cross, which, according to the local paper, she's like the third person to get killed by a bus around our area in like two years. I'm having a harder time with this decision, but ultimately, maybe it does make some sense to get parking, even if I still walk a couple of times a week. Ruthie and I calculated it out, that getting employee parking costs less per month than parking in the pay deck - which I'm not supposed to do anyway - twice a week. And if I start going to the gym in the mornings, I'm so not going to want to/have time to come home, park, and walk a mile to work. Plus, a full workout and walking two miles is probably pushing it physically right now, what with above recent back/ankle issues.

The thing I can't get around, though, is....can I really justify paying to park when I live within walking distance and paying to join a gym for the exercise I'm no longer getting because I'm not walking to work?

I know it's not that simple. And both things probably make good sense overall. But it feels stupid.

Then again, that could just be the funk talking...