I feel icky

Oh, so icky. I feel icky, and yicky, and blegh...

Which is unfortunate, because I'm still wandering around a little in the post-election afterglow. And I'd really like to enjoy it, rather than trying to convince myself I'm not getting sick. It was great today, talking to people...I stopped at the Bojangles for a kiddie-pool sized iced tea on my way from supervision to the hospital (I was up until 2 last night waiting for them to call NC. Which, incidentally, they still haven't done. I needed caffeine) and the woman two cars in front of me pulled up to the window and said, "Obama won!!" It was cute. My supervisor looked like crap this morning; she worked the polls all day and then was up later than I was, which I don't think is her norm (she's in her late 50s, I think, maybe early 60s, and doesn't seem like the out-all-night type), but she clearly thought it was so worth it. I saw my neighbor this morning - the one who knocked on my door a few weeks ago wearing a "White Haired Old Ladies for Obama" button - and she waved frantically and gave me a big thumbs-up.

Sparrow came over to my office when I got in this morning (her office is next to mine - I guess we just can't not be neighbors), still sort of giddy. We talked, again, about what an amazing thing this is for our country, what it means, what it communicates to the global community, about how everyone we've met today has this soft, calm air about them of relief and hope. She says to me, "I had no idea I was so mad at the government for the last eight years!" I laughed, but I had to agree. It had become such a din of mistrust and anxiety and feeling unsafe that I'd sort of let it fade into the background noise. Funny, because we're a couple of very outspoken, liberal, anti-Bush administration, anti-stupid economic policy, anti-embarrassing foreign policy, pro-civil rights peaceniks. Not to mention intelligent, psychologically minded, generally aware of our issues kind of women. We talked again about Obama's speech last night - oh, which, incidentally, in my 1am delirium I didn't realize that the CNN clip I posted was only two minutes long. Here's the whole thing, courtesy of YouTube (it's broken into smaller clips):

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

One thing that was really striking was the way he approached the American people with a collaborative, collegial approach. They were talking on CNN this morning about how most presidents, in these acceptance speeches, come on with "I'm going to do this during my presidency" and "my administration is going to accomplish that." Obama, instead, said, I need your help, America. He appealed to us to work together to repair the damage, advocated accountability and union and wholeness.

I...just...yes. Yes, we can.

Now, I recognize that I am often an idealist. I believe that people, at their cores, at their essence, are all worthwhile and ultimately the good outweighs the rest. I just find it easier to make more sense of life if I see it that way, inasmuch as any sense can be made. But gosh, this just gives me so much hope.

My friend's husband, this morning, posted a sarcastic comment elsewhere about how all of us liberals were going to have "buyer's remorse" over this election. Which then led to him making this comment:

"...several nations with horrid human rights, environmental, and economic records are chomping at the bit to become the next world superpower. It is immoral that our nation is so willing to hand this high ground over to such despots. In those countries they are teaching their children winning and excellence; in America, we're more worried about teaching fairness than greatness and this continues to hollow out our nation over time. I feel to my very core that leaders such as Mr. Obama will allow our nation to continue down this path to our undoing."

That pissed a bunch of people off. It just made me sad.

While I respect his view, and his right to have it (that's one of the things that makes America so great to me, that we can have open, free disagreements about the government without fear of "disappearing" one night), it just sort of makes me shake my head. What higher ground are we handing over? It seems to me that for the past eight years, we've been losing ground, compromising our morals, and have become far too concerned with power. Consequently, the things that America stands for, the things that define this country, have lost their significance, become pale; the bonds they form have weakened, and our country has become frustrated and apathetic. We've already come undone, and are vulnerable for our posturing and our tenuous facade.

I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeks about my children, should I have any, and what sort of story I want to be able to tell them about my life, what sort of legacy I want to create for them on a personal, local, national, and global level. I don't want my children to be hollow and vapid. I don't want them to be taught about "winning" and grow up in a culture that values using people as a means to an end, and at that, and end you deem worthy, that suits your needs and to hell with the people you damage along the way. Yes, that is what these countries may be teaching, but that hollow egocentrism and disregard for others can only end like Narcissus at the reflecting pool. That is not a society that contributes, that holds meaning. Prosperity is fragile, and short lived. A social order based on jockeying for position and power without thought to collective ideologies, perpetuation, and infrastructure will collapse on itself, and hard. Justice, equality, authenticity, acceptance? These are enduring. These are the values I want my children to embody. These are truly American ideals.

I kept thinking, today, of this song, by my all-time favorite band, Moxy Fruvous, penned during the first Gulf War and one that's always held a lot of power and meaning for me. In the chorus, there's a line -

What makes a person so poisonous righteous that they'd think less of anyone who just disagreed?

I've always found that poignant, if only in its perspicuity. Not to mention that it took a bunch of Canadians to point this out.

And so, I think it's utterly amazing that America could take this big step forward, vote to embrace hope, change, and unity, and yet Californians could still manage to pass (or, almost pass, since apparently they aren't ready to call it) something so bigoted and divisive as Proposition Eight.

Small steps, I keep telling myself. One moment at a time, one piece at a time, one issue at a time. And even if we continue our two steps forward-one step back dance of ambivalence - which we always will, because, we're human - we still keep moving forward.