More meme-ing

So, a while ago, really, Barb tagged me with this meme. And I didn't forget, I just haven't really had time to sit and do it. But, it seemed like an appropriate Thanksgiving kind of thing - plus, my mom and I are making bread, which involves spurts of activity interspersed with several hour+ periods of waiting for things to rise - and so, here goes...

1. What were you afraid of as a child?

For a while, nothing. When I was really little, man, I was fearless. But then I got a glimpse of what evil really was, and since I really had no control in that arena, my anxiety and fear manifested itself in a whole host of ways. I was afraid of heights, I was afraid of crowds, I was afraid of elevators, I was afraid of a vast list of things. Not that it ever really impacted my ability to do stuff, necessarily, it just caused me a whole lot of internal drama and panic when I did. I'm still sort of like that. There are a lot of things of which I'm afraid, or which cause me significant anxiety, but that doesn't actually stop me from going ahead and doing them. And now it's less specific phobias - like heights - and more about, how fantastically am I going to fail at this, or, how viciously will people judge me?

2. When have you been most courageous?

When I left my last residency. I'd been letting them abuse me for ten months. I'd let them convince me I was inept and worthless. I'd come to believe I didn't even deserve as much as they gave me. And then, finally, I realized just how much they were about to damage not only me, but my career, my ability to provide the kind of care I wanted to, my livelihood. It was the single most difficult thing I've ever done to say, "no more," to, having reached the end of my rope, stop clutching at the fraying ends, to let go and fall into the unknown and trust that it was going to be better than what I was leaving.

3. What sound most disturbs you?

My best friend makes this weird slurping sound she calls "the thirsty noise." I cannot explain it, because it's not actually that noxious a sound, but it just drives me crazy. And, I recognize, that's not a very far trip...

4. What is the greatest amount of physical pain you’ve been in?

I have the pain tolerance of a brick building, so this was sort of a difficult question to answer. I had chronic appendicitis for nine years (before someone finally thought, oh, hey, maybe it's your appendix), that hurt a lot.

5. What’s your biggest fear for your children? (or children in general if you don’t have some of your own.)

That someone will hurt them in the most intimate and insidious ways possible and I will be powerless to protect them. And less so, that I will be unwittingly as destructive to them as I can be to myself.

6. What is the hardest physical challenge you’ve achieved?

Honestly? I think it's this year. This high stress/high anxiety/severe sleep deprivation combo is more physically draining than you really understand until you're doing it, and then when you couple that with the fact that most of our "good" habits fall casualty to convenience...

7. Which do you prefer: Mountains or oceans/big water?

Oceans. By far. Not that I don't like mountains, too, but I have some connection to water I don't quite fully understand. So much so that, like, I definitely need to live on the coast (as in, step out your back porch and into the saline, have a full understanding of hurricane-proof windows) at some point in my life.

8. What is the one thing you do for yourself that helps you keep everything together?

Therapy. And music. And driving. And my dog. And my friends and family. And the escapism of books. And writing. So that's more than one thing. Hey, there are a lot of forces tying to pull me apart that need to be countered, here.

9. Ever had a close relative or friend with cancer?

Many. It sucks pretty much every time.

10. What are the things your friends count on you for?

I don't know, ask them. Their answers would be better than mine ("Not returning phone calls, forgetting their birthdays because I don't know what day it is....")

11. What is the best part of being in a committed relationship?

How the hell would I know? We've discussed my winning taste in men, haven't we?

12. What is the hardest part of being in a committed relationship?

See answer 11.

13. Summer or Winter? Why?

Can I pick spring? I like all the renewal of spring, and the tempest of the spring storms, and the blooming, and the lability of the weather, and the smell of thawing earth. Not to mention the lengthening days. And then I'd also say I really like fall, and those crisp, chilly days, and the vibrancy of the foliage, and the smell of burning firewood and approaching cold fronts, and ripe apple orchards on a chilly grey day. Then probably winter, then summer.

14. Have you ever been in a school-yard fight? Why and what happened?

No, I tend to be more the verbal parry-and-thrust sort.

15. Why blog?

It makes me feel like I'm connected to something beyond myself. Although it perpetually amazes me that any of you continue to read this drivel.

16. Did you learn about sex, and/or sex safety from your parents?

Um, no.

17. How do you plan to talk to your kids about sex and/or sex safety?

My kids? Are going to have a mother who's a traumatologist who used to be a gynecologist, and live in a house full of books on sex and sexual health and the psychology of sex and recovery from sexual violence and female anatomy, and I'll be lucky if I don't get a letter from their preschool asking me what the hell I'm doing to my children and what the heck is a tenaculum, anyway?

18. What are you most thankful for this year?

Being here at all. A fresh start. People that love me. My dog. My tenacity. Effexor. Warm blankets. Granola bars. Family, in all respects. Connection. Complexity. A steady paycheck (that isn't made of wool).

All right. Lorna, Sarah, I tag you. And anyone else who reads and has a blog and thinks this would be a useful thing to do.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!