It's Thursday!

Isn't it?

So tired. And just home from call. So very, very tired.

So, I don't know what y'all think about this, right, but this morning I mentioned to our "junior attending" (Have I given him a pseudonym yet? I don't think I have. We'll call him...Bif) that I had gone to see crazy pregnant lady's baby. And he was like...hmm. Clearly, clearly didn't approve. So, you know, because I don't play the political game well, I asked him outright, why is that weird, that I would go visit the kid? And he's all, well, you know, it's such a unique relationship, and she could become jealous that you got to see the baby and she can't, blah, blah, something else, by then I'd stopped really listening but that was the gist.

Okay...so...before I say anything about what I think...was I wrong?

I mean, I don't think so. I like that I'm the kind of doctor that would go visit my patient's baby. I like that I'm the kind of person that would go snuggle her because I wanted to make a difference, even a tiny one, in her ability to relate and attach later in life. Because I wanted her to feel safe and loved. And selfishly, because I wanted to touch even a little bit of that newness and purity again, to glimpse that sweet innocence. I rarely get even remotely close to that anymore.

Plus, you know, that patient hates me anyway. And it's not like I went back to her and said, "Wow, your baby's cute. Her skin was satin and she smelled like innocence and sunshine." I mean, I'll freely admit (to you) that I'm totally in love with that baby. But I'm sure not going to rub that in her face. Instead, I brought her a picture - which I got to her via a back-handed maneuver so she didn't know it came from me - and her nurse and I gave her a teddy bear today.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the "kind" of psychiatrist I am, the "type" of therapist I'm going to be. I think I'm going to be different from Bif. I mean, he's very smart, he's very pragmatic; he'll do well in consult psychiatry, which is where he's going. We have different strengths, different shortcomings. But I think...you know....I'm not going to be everybody's best psychiatrist. No one is. But I think I'm going to be okay.